Damn. That's about all I can say about things. I am stuck in "the Rut". You know the one. The one where all the old habits feel comfortable, where you don't care that your jeans are cutting off your circulation. Where you tell yourself that you really can have your cake and eat it too. The place where you just don't care anymore. That's where I sit....stuck.
And it hasn't been completely unpleasant. I have eaten foods I haven't eaten in months....mashed potatoes, garlic artisan bread, English muffins with homemade raspberry jam, fruity wines and desserts out the wazoo. They all made me feel very good......for awhile.
Of course with the good comes the bad - headaches, bloating, gas, feeling hungry all the time, no energy. I know I have to get back on track, but I have just been taking my own sweet time trying to psyche myself up for the "start".
Stress is the devil. I was very worried a few weeks ago that I might loose my job. That the funding for my program would not come through. It was a legitimate concern that was really freaking me out. Food made me feel better. Not having to think about following all of the rules associated with taking care of my body made room for the worry. Now, the stress is off for the next several months. In a couple of weeks, the kids will go back to school and our life will resume some sort of routine. Routine is good.
I am procrastinating at this point. Eking all of the pleasure out of the foods I am not supposed to eat and yet giving myself the deadline of back to school to make sure I don't just continue off into oblivion. Right now I am being honest and embarrassing my inner Scarlet O'Hara. "Tomorrow is another day. I won't think about that now, I'll think about that tomorrow."
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Death by Rice Krispy Treat
I go back to visit my doctor today for the first time in several months. I had to cancel two different appointments because of scheduling conflicts with work, and it takes me about 6 weeks to get another appointment. I started going to the doctor because my weight is in fact a medical condition that needs to be treated with medication. I chose a doctor who came very highly recommended for her maintenance views as well. I wanted a doctor who would see me more than once a year for accountability. I wanted to know an unbiased voice would cuss me out if I wasn't towing the line. I have been missing that accountability.
My kids asked for some gooey treats for our 4th of July tail gate party and I made them. Funny though that I am the only one that ate them. The one I like the most, I gave away the next day so as not to be tempted to eat the whole bowl, but not before having more than my fair share. The Rice Krispy Treats, however where another story. I just kept sneaking them. I finally threw them away so I wouldn't kill myself eating the whole pan. I new I shouldn't eat them, which is why no one else ever saw me eat them......
My kids have finally picked up on the diet principles. Now every time I eat something I shouldn't they ask "Are you supposed to eat that?" I do answer honestly that "No I am not.", but at point I am committed so I go ahead and eat it.
I really have struggled this summer. Lack of schedule makes remembering my mediation even worse than usual. Socializing with friends weakens my willpower to say no to things like alcohol and dessert. I have spent time doing things that I don't usually do to feel good about my appearance like getting manicures, tanning and even waxing my eye brows instead of doing the one thing guaranteed to make me feel fantastic - focusing on my lifestyle and weight loss. It's hard work and just too easy to ignore.
I hope Dr. Rice gives me a swift dose of reality today. If she chews my butt at least there will be that much of less of it to worry about losing!
My kids asked for some gooey treats for our 4th of July tail gate party and I made them. Funny though that I am the only one that ate them. The one I like the most, I gave away the next day so as not to be tempted to eat the whole bowl, but not before having more than my fair share. The Rice Krispy Treats, however where another story. I just kept sneaking them. I finally threw them away so I wouldn't kill myself eating the whole pan. I new I shouldn't eat them, which is why no one else ever saw me eat them......
My kids have finally picked up on the diet principles. Now every time I eat something I shouldn't they ask "Are you supposed to eat that?" I do answer honestly that "No I am not.", but at point I am committed so I go ahead and eat it.
I really have struggled this summer. Lack of schedule makes remembering my mediation even worse than usual. Socializing with friends weakens my willpower to say no to things like alcohol and dessert. I have spent time doing things that I don't usually do to feel good about my appearance like getting manicures, tanning and even waxing my eye brows instead of doing the one thing guaranteed to make me feel fantastic - focusing on my lifestyle and weight loss. It's hard work and just too easy to ignore.
I hope Dr. Rice gives me a swift dose of reality today. If she chews my butt at least there will be that much of less of it to worry about losing!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Not So Easy Is It
I feel supported and a little less like a weak failure today. A couple of days ago, Ron decided that he was going to follow my Dr. prescribed diet with me to be supportive. That was really nice of him and it does help me when I am not the only one having to follow the rules.
We went grocery shopping and out to dinner on Tuesday. By the end of the day, he said "Your diet sucks. We can't eat anything good." I smiled and said " See, it's not so easy is it. Now you understand what a struggle this is for me."
Seriously, NO potatoes, grain, rice, corn, pasta, or fruit juice and VERY LIMITED sugar and fruit. For a professed carbaholoic, this might as well be purgatory. The upside is as much vegetables, meat, cheese, peanut butter, nuts, beans and the usual diet no-no's like salad dressing, sour cream, etc. At least I do like those things.
We'll see how long he sticks with me, but at least for now it's nice to not be on the ride alone.
We went grocery shopping and out to dinner on Tuesday. By the end of the day, he said "Your diet sucks. We can't eat anything good." I smiled and said " See, it's not so easy is it. Now you understand what a struggle this is for me."
Seriously, NO potatoes, grain, rice, corn, pasta, or fruit juice and VERY LIMITED sugar and fruit. For a professed carbaholoic, this might as well be purgatory. The upside is as much vegetables, meat, cheese, peanut butter, nuts, beans and the usual diet no-no's like salad dressing, sour cream, etc. At least I do like those things.
We'll see how long he sticks with me, but at least for now it's nice to not be on the ride alone.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Queen of Beginnings
Ok. I have been at this blog to motivate my "Lifestyle Change" (AKA Diet) for almost 5 weeks now. I have seen a net loss of 3 lbs. (I lost 5 but had gained two so....). That is NOT very motivating.
I am the Queen of Beginning things.....my follow through leaves much to be desired when it comes to things in my personal life. In my work life, I am a finisher. I generally have lots of irons in the fire, but once I finish one, I just stick in another one. At home, it is a completely different story.
I have 6 scrapbooks started, none complete. I have saved enough denim for 5 queen size stadium blankets but have yet to complete one. I started writing a book. I have the full outline of all the chapters and I wrote most of chapter one. I have started but not fully completed any of the 20 self help books I have tried to read in the last two years.
I started this blog with the intention of posting something every day. I started carrying around a notebook with a little pig on the front to use as a food diary. I wrote in it for three days, none of which were consecutive. I did yoga one day last week, I walked one day the week before - even though I intended to spend 30 minutes every day doing something active.
You see my frustration. How do I get past my good intentions? Do I not WANT it bad enough? Do I not make time for myself a priority? Am I just, dare I say it out loud, LAZY?? Somebody please psychoanalyze me!!
I am the Queen of Beginning things.....my follow through leaves much to be desired when it comes to things in my personal life. In my work life, I am a finisher. I generally have lots of irons in the fire, but once I finish one, I just stick in another one. At home, it is a completely different story.
I have 6 scrapbooks started, none complete. I have saved enough denim for 5 queen size stadium blankets but have yet to complete one. I started writing a book. I have the full outline of all the chapters and I wrote most of chapter one. I have started but not fully completed any of the 20 self help books I have tried to read in the last two years.
I started this blog with the intention of posting something every day. I started carrying around a notebook with a little pig on the front to use as a food diary. I wrote in it for three days, none of which were consecutive. I did yoga one day last week, I walked one day the week before - even though I intended to spend 30 minutes every day doing something active.
You see my frustration. How do I get past my good intentions? Do I not WANT it bad enough? Do I not make time for myself a priority? Am I just, dare I say it out loud, LAZY?? Somebody please psychoanalyze me!!
Friday, June 12, 2009
The Scale Finally Moved
Well, my scale is not broken. It finally moved off of 214. After my recent bounce off the wagon, it moved UP to 216. Tonight I jumped up and down to see it read 211 and at the end of the day too! I usually try to only weigh in the morning because I always seem to weigh heavier at night. 5 pounds is 5 pounds and I'll gladly lose it!
I have been back on the band wagon for several days now and it's nice to finally see the numbers move. I have had several people in the last week ask if I was losing weight because I was looking slimmer. I always thank them for saying so, but had to honestly say that I had not lost a pound.
I am proud to say that I resisted the urge to binge on popcorn tonight. That is my night time snack weakness. My daughter reminded me that I really shouldn't and refused to make any, even for herself. I did whine about it, but ultimately didn't give in.
Reminding myself that the biggest battles are won with little victories. 5 lbs and no popcorn. Today was a successful campaign.
I have been back on the band wagon for several days now and it's nice to finally see the numbers move. I have had several people in the last week ask if I was losing weight because I was looking slimmer. I always thank them for saying so, but had to honestly say that I had not lost a pound.
I am proud to say that I resisted the urge to binge on popcorn tonight. That is my night time snack weakness. My daughter reminded me that I really shouldn't and refused to make any, even for herself. I did whine about it, but ultimately didn't give in.
Reminding myself that the biggest battles are won with little victories. 5 lbs and no popcorn. Today was a successful campaign.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Trying to Get Back on the Wagon
Well, Damn. I have officially fallen completely off the wagon. I got so off schedule taking my shots that I stopped all together, then I stopped taking my vitamins, then I stopped even trying to follow my prescribed diet.
And now....I feel like total *%#& inside and out. Headache, heartburn, irritable guts, and sluggishness are all back. And let's not forget that I once again feel like a weight loss failure. For an over achiever like myself, this situation really sucks. I mean, you'd think that being a bit type A would make something as simple as doing what I'm told a piece of cake (ok, bad choice of words). I know how much better I feel when I am following doctor's orders, taking my meds, eating the right foods and getting some exercise, and yet here I am again.
How does this happen you ask? I rationalize and make excuses until before I know it I am completely off track. First, I might really WANT a piece of dessert, or forget my shot because we are away from home at dinner time. So I eat the dessert and rationalize that it's ok because I forgot my dinner shot anyway so it's not going to make me sick. Then it just sort of snow balls. I lie to myself, "Only one won't kill me. I'm on vacation. I deserve this." Then, I get depressed because I am such a weight loss failure, so then I really eat because eating makes me feel better....until it doesn't.
So, I called the doc yesterday and asked to go back on my beginning dose of medication so that I can start over.....again.
I have got to stop acting like Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind - "I won't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day". TODAY is the only day that matters. TODAY is what I have to focus on. I am picking up the new meds today and tonight, I'll jump back on the wagon.
Sometimes I tell myself I deserve chocolate lava cake, but what I really deserve is to lose 75 pounds so that I look better, feel better and am healthy. THAT is what I DESERVE!
And now....I feel like total *%#& inside and out. Headache, heartburn, irritable guts, and sluggishness are all back. And let's not forget that I once again feel like a weight loss failure. For an over achiever like myself, this situation really sucks. I mean, you'd think that being a bit type A would make something as simple as doing what I'm told a piece of cake (ok, bad choice of words). I know how much better I feel when I am following doctor's orders, taking my meds, eating the right foods and getting some exercise, and yet here I am again.
How does this happen you ask? I rationalize and make excuses until before I know it I am completely off track. First, I might really WANT a piece of dessert, or forget my shot because we are away from home at dinner time. So I eat the dessert and rationalize that it's ok because I forgot my dinner shot anyway so it's not going to make me sick. Then it just sort of snow balls. I lie to myself, "Only one won't kill me. I'm on vacation. I deserve this." Then, I get depressed because I am such a weight loss failure, so then I really eat because eating makes me feel better....until it doesn't.
So, I called the doc yesterday and asked to go back on my beginning dose of medication so that I can start over.....again.
I have got to stop acting like Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind - "I won't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day". TODAY is the only day that matters. TODAY is what I have to focus on. I am picking up the new meds today and tonight, I'll jump back on the wagon.
Sometimes I tell myself I deserve chocolate lava cake, but what I really deserve is to lose 75 pounds so that I look better, feel better and am healthy. THAT is what I DESERVE!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friends, Fun & Food
Friends can be a powerful supporter or a huge distraction when it comes to eating healthy. Since starting my blog a week ago, I have had the pleasure of dining out with (and just in the same proximity as) friends who know I am really trying to loose weight and get healthy. They have been very supportive as they question what I am going to choose from the menu, apologizing for bringing crackers with my salad and complimenting my resistance to temptation. With this kind of support, it seems easy...but then the dilemma.
I can't possibly be the only person who can't seem to work out the balance of food, friends and fun. My family loves to socialize. We host friends for dinner at least one night a week, or have friends over for coffee and dessert in the evening. Celebrations and rewards of any kind MUST involve food. This is how we show our love and appreciation for the people in our life. Like a good Italian mama, I want to feed them!
For whatever reason, I am reluctant to subject others to my insulin resistance diet. I know what a sacrifice it seems to me to give up bread, pasta, potatoes, corn and rice that the idea of asking my guests to do the same feels like serving up dinner for the contestants on "Survivor".
What's next, serving up "tofurkey" for Thanksgiving Dinner??
I have been on the bandwagon for 8 days. I haven't lost a single pound. I think my scale is broken. Every time I step on it 214 stares back, mocking me. Mostly, I have been really good....mostly. I did eat pizza (2 slices!) on Saturday Night but said no to the Peanut Butter Cream Pie with my coffee for dessert. I am sorry, but the almonds were a poor substitute. I did drink alcohol, but only 1 drink, on a couple of occasions. I did eat half a bowl of popcorn just last night because I felt like it. And today, in order to enjoy lunch with my kids during field day, I ate a hot dog, WITH THE BUN, CHIPS, & SHERBET!
Tomorrow is another day, and I will once again plant my not-quite-as-big-as-Kirsty-ass on the bandwagon and go again. And don't take it personally if I stop inviting you to dinner. You didn't insult me and your breath doesn't stink. It's not you...It's me.
I can't possibly be the only person who can't seem to work out the balance of food, friends and fun. My family loves to socialize. We host friends for dinner at least one night a week, or have friends over for coffee and dessert in the evening. Celebrations and rewards of any kind MUST involve food. This is how we show our love and appreciation for the people in our life. Like a good Italian mama, I want to feed them!
For whatever reason, I am reluctant to subject others to my insulin resistance diet. I know what a sacrifice it seems to me to give up bread, pasta, potatoes, corn and rice that the idea of asking my guests to do the same feels like serving up dinner for the contestants on "Survivor".
What's next, serving up "tofurkey" for Thanksgiving Dinner??
I have been on the bandwagon for 8 days. I haven't lost a single pound. I think my scale is broken. Every time I step on it 214 stares back, mocking me. Mostly, I have been really good....mostly. I did eat pizza (2 slices!) on Saturday Night but said no to the Peanut Butter Cream Pie with my coffee for dessert. I am sorry, but the almonds were a poor substitute. I did drink alcohol, but only 1 drink, on a couple of occasions. I did eat half a bowl of popcorn just last night because I felt like it. And today, in order to enjoy lunch with my kids during field day, I ate a hot dog, WITH THE BUN, CHIPS, & SHERBET!
Tomorrow is another day, and I will once again plant my not-quite-as-big-as-Kirsty-ass on the bandwagon and go again. And don't take it personally if I stop inviting you to dinner. You didn't insult me and your breath doesn't stink. It's not you...It's me.
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