The Queen of Beginnings

Ok. I have been at this blog to motivate my "Lifestyle Change" (AKA Diet) for almost 5 weeks now. I have seen a net loss of 3 lbs. (I lost 5 but had gained two so....). That is NOT very motivating.

I am the Queen of Beginning things.....my follow through leaves much to be desired when it comes to things in my personal life. In my work life, I am a finisher. I generally have lots of irons in the fire, but once I finish one, I just stick in another one. At home, it is a completely different story.

I have 6 scrapbooks started, none complete. I have saved enough denim for 5 queen size stadium blankets but have yet to complete one. I started writing a book. I have the full outline of all the chapters and I wrote most of chapter one. I have started but not fully completed any of the 20 self help books I have tried to read in the last two years.

I started this blog with the intention of posting something every day. I started carrying around a notebook with a little pig on the front to use as a food diary. I wrote in it for three days, none of which were consecutive. I did yoga one day last week, I walked one day the week before - even though I intended to spend 30 minutes every day doing something active.

You see my frustration. How do I get past my good intentions? Do I not WANT it bad enough? Do I not make time for myself a priority? Am I just, dare I say it out loud, LAZY?? Somebody please psychoanalyze me!!

The Scale Finally Moved

Well, my scale is not broken. It finally moved off of 214. After my recent bounce off the wagon, it moved UP to 216. Tonight I jumped up and down to see it read 211 and at the end of the day too! I usually try to only weigh in the morning because I always seem to weigh heavier at night. 5 pounds is 5 pounds and I'll gladly lose it!

I have been back on the band wagon for several days now and it's nice to finally see the numbers move. I have had several people in the last week ask if I was losing weight because I was looking slimmer. I always thank them for saying so, but had to honestly say that I had not lost a pound.

I am proud to say that I resisted the urge to binge on popcorn tonight. That is my night time snack weakness. My daughter reminded me that I really shouldn't and refused to make any, even for herself. I did whine about it, but ultimately didn't give in.

Reminding myself that the biggest battles are won with little victories. 5 lbs and no popcorn. Today was a successful campaign.

Trying to Get Back on the Wagon

Well, Damn. I have officially fallen completely off the wagon. I got so off schedule taking my shots that I stopped all together, then I stopped taking my vitamins, then I stopped even trying to follow my prescribed diet.

And now....I feel like total *%#& inside and out. Headache, heartburn, irritable guts, and sluggishness are all back. And let's not forget that I once again feel like a weight loss failure. For an over achiever like myself, this situation really sucks. I mean, you'd think that being a bit type A would make something as simple as doing what I'm told a piece of cake (ok, bad choice of words). I know how much better I feel when I am following doctor's orders, taking my meds, eating the right foods and getting some exercise, and yet here I am again.

How does this happen you ask? I rationalize and make excuses until before I know it I am completely off track. First, I might really WANT a piece of dessert, or forget my shot because we are away from home at dinner time. So I eat the dessert and rationalize that it's ok because I forgot my dinner shot anyway so it's not going to make me sick. Then it just sort of snow balls. I lie to myself, "Only one won't kill me. I'm on vacation. I deserve this." Then, I get depressed because I am such a weight loss failure, so then I really eat because eating makes me feel better....until it doesn't.

So, I called the doc yesterday and asked to go back on my beginning dose of medication so that I can start over.....again.

I have got to stop acting like Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind - "I won't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day". TODAY is the only day that matters. TODAY is what I have to focus on. I am picking up the new meds today and tonight, I'll jump back on the wagon.

Sometimes I tell myself I deserve chocolate lava cake, but what I really deserve is to lose 75 pounds so that I look better, feel better and am healthy. THAT is what I DESERVE!